Question:
Dear Jana ~
I am a nurse who works in a busy ICU 7pm-7am. It seems as if lately, I simply don't care about work. I mean, I care about the people that I care for. I reflect on their circumstances, try to follow the Doctor's orders to a ‘T’ and try to give them a bit of my own healing energy. Mostly, it isn't my energy; rather, it's energy that I'm channeling (of course) from a higher source.
It's just that lately I can barely tolerate the drain. I leave work practically with nothing left to give. Maybe I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Night shift. Long hours. Constant pressure. Just like soldier fatigue. Nurses probably can get a similar kind of fatigue. Just a few years ago, I had drive (ambition-whatever), but now ... work is just work. No different than going to a factory job and working on an assembly line. And some patients probably are correct when they feel like their being passed around as if they're on an assembly line because of how the health care industry works. That sounds so terrible, almost sacrilegious. Well, you know, it's no longer about "caring about people;" it's more like "business as usual." And big business it is. Sorry, but it's true. But there are still wonderful, wonderful people who care so much and give it their all. I hope that I am still one of those people.
Except now I feel something changing within me. Creeping in, unwelcomed. So, I get to work and have to dig very, very deep within myself, under layers and layers of defense mechanisms that keep me from becoming to open and vulnerable. Can you touch on psychic-depletion? I hate the word "vampire." It's difficult to believe in such things. Or, maybe I'm just not cut out for this type of intensive work.
I can't really say that my position isn't challenging. In truth, at times, it can be impossible. I just find (and I apologize for my loss of words) myself disconnected. But, I know that I'm not. I still feel some sense of idealism. I believe in what I do. I still care.
But, now, more than ever, I've developed subversive behaviors, engrossing myself in reading and writing: I know - OBVIOUS ESCAPE MECHANISM. You certainly don't have to be Freud to figure this one out. Since I've chosen to write erotica, there's a taboo kind of, "tsk, tsk," "shame on you," hanging over my head, too. It's fun, but also not kosher-ethical-whatever, to many. Some would frown. It has this air of okay-dirty. But, it's wonderful too. So, at least, I've found a little vice to reconnect to some little happiness inside of me. And being creative is terribly challenging, but when I do finally find that little voice, it's so wonderful, because all of my ideas simply flow. Sometimes it takes days for me to find my voice. Usually after finishing a 3-4 day week at work. So, I find myself struggling to switch off from nursing and switch on to writing. It's tough!
But this is not my point. I guess I need to reconnect (find enthusiasm) to my nursing profession to keep my job viable, because, of course, survival takes precedence. Thank you ~ Myra
Answer:
Medium Jana Hollingsworth responds: Dear Myra ~ First of all, I want to thank you for being so up front and honest with your feelings. I completely understand the dilemma you are in. The work that you do is exceptionally overwhelming. Considering you work in the ICU, you are constantly taking in unbelievable amounts of draining energy not only from the patients themselves, but also their loved ones. You were not wrong when you mentioned it feeling like being around vampires. It is true. Being in energy like that as often as you are can literally suck the life force out of you. That is part of what is happening with you right now. The other thing that is happening here is that you are going through a period of transition. It's almost like going through a "mid-life crisis" when all of a sudden you start looking at your life in a different light and realizing you need a change. This is what you are currently experiencing.
Writing is very therapeutic for you, no matter what it is you are writing about. If writing erotica brings you joy and lets your creative side come out, then so be it! I wouldn't think of this so much as an "escape" from things as much as I see it as an outlet/release for your emotions and offering yourself a sense of freedom. When you are writing, you are allowing your mind to roam free and bring you joy. It lets you express a lot of the emotions that have been pent up inside of you for so long. This is extremely therapeutic for you. I encourage you to continue on this path. Your work is draining and demands a lot from you. It's important that you have outlets that let you feel your passion, give you a sense of freedom, and most of all, let you have some fun! You are in desperate need of having more joy in your life!
At this point in time, you are looking to express yourself in a different way. When you take on a nurturing type of role such as yours, at some point in time you are inevitably going to burn out. There is only so much giving you can do before parts of you start to shut down inside.
It would be wonderful if you were able to take some time off from your job as this would give you time to sort things out and think of other things you may enjoy doing. Even taking a week's vacation somewhere you've always wanted to go could help a lot. However, it sounds like financially this may not be an option for you right now. But there are still other things that you can do to help the situation. The main thing my Guides think you should be doing right now is to get out into nature as often as you can. It's important for you to connect with the spiritual side of yourself that has gotten lost over the last couple of years. The other thing you need to do is before you go to work each night, do a quick meditation. Sit quietly for 5 minutes. Ask God (or whoever you believe in) to give you the energy to help all those that are in your care for that night. Also, make sure to ask that you be protected from absorbing any negative energy. Ask God or your Guides to surround you with white light and loving energy. Before you walk into the hospital, picture a bubble surrounding your body. Inside this bubble is the white light and loving energy you are requesting. This will be your shield to protect you on your shift.
Myra, the most important thing you need to know right now is that you are yearning for some change in your life. Allow yourself the time to figure out what your "next steps" are while you are still at this job. You may decide that you want to continue doing this type of work but under different circumstances (i.e. a home care nurse or working in another ward where the intensity isn't so extreme all the time.) I'd like to suggest that you start keeping a journal. Every day (or as often as you can), take a page from your journal and write this question at the top of the page "What information do I need to know right now that can help me in my life?" Give yourself a few minutes every day. This will allow the universe to give the answers that you need. Be patient as this can take a few tries before you get anything.
Most of all, nurture yourself!!! Go get a massage, facial or manicure. Treat yourself to a play, walk along the beach - anything that brings you joy. The more you incorporate joyful things into your life, the less daunting your current situation will seem. You will find your way. You just have to keep the faith and make your own happiness!
Best of luck!
Jana
To book a Mediumship reading, contact Jana Hollingsworth at jana@dreamsnmotion.com. Jana is a Life Coach, Medium and Human Design Analyst. www.dreamsnmotion.com
